Because I love you all so much, I’m sharing with you a short play that I wrote for a class. Enjoy!
“BIG LEAGUE CHEW”
CAST OF CHARACTERS
HEROINE………………………Age 24, a young superhero applying for membership to the League of Greatness, earnest and proud
CAPTAIN BEATDOWN………Age 32, the leader of the League of Greatness, a bit arrogant and self-righteous
THE TEMPTRESS…………………Age 28, a lieutenant of the League of Greatness, a little cynical, speaks in a sultry voice
TURBO-MAN……………….…..Age 28, a lieutenant of the League of Greatness, good-natured but lecherous
THE BARD………………………Age 31, a lieutenant of the League of Greatness, mysterious and aloof, speaks in rhyming quatrains
Time: The present
Place: Near Miami, FL. The Hall of Greatness, a base of operations for the superhero group known as the League of Greatness
Setting: A large circular meeting room. The wall is white and undecorated with no windows. There is a podium in the center of the room, with a long blue carpet leading to it from the sliding doors. Across from the doors, facing the podium, there is a dais several feet off the ground with a long table. The table is covered with a long blue tablecloth that reaches the platform and is decorated with the seal of the League of Greatness.
(CAPTAIN BEATDOWN, TEMPTRESS, TURBO-MAN, and THE BARD sit behind the long table on the dais. CAPTAIN BEATDOWN presses a button on the table on front of him.)
Send in the next applicant, please, Secretary Girl.
(The door opens and HEROINE walks in and stands before the podium, looking up at the four figures on the dais.)
Welcome to your interview for admission to the League of Greatness. I’m Captain Beatdown, and these are my lieutenants: Turbo-Man, Temptress, and The Bard. And according to your application…
(peruses application form in front of him)
…your name is…Narwhal Boy?
No, sir, I think you’re looking at the wrong application. My name is Heroine.
(shuffling through stack of applications)
My apologies, citizen. Secretary Girl hasn’t been the same since her mind was assaulted by Dr. Dementia last week. Frankly, she’s been screwing up the paperwork. Ah, here it is: Heroine… isn’t that the name of a drug?
Yes, sir… but it also means a female hero. That’s the dictionary definition, in fact.
The League of Greatness shan’t endorse
Illegal drugs of any kind
If you intend to join our force
Then change your name, or change your mind.
But I’d rather not change my name; I’m sort of trying to build a trademark and… what’s with the rhyming?
The Bard always speaks in rhyme. That’s his trademark. And it gets old.
That may be true, Temptress, but the Bard has a point. We musn’t send the wrong signals to the young citizens.
With all due respect, sir, you’re Captain Beatdown. What kind of message is your name sending to the “young citizens”?
That “When Evil is the Question, Violence is the Answer”. It’s the League of Greatness motto. It’s on our seal.
(CAPTAIN BEATDOWN points to the seal on the podium.)
I’ve always hated that motto. I do like your name though, Heroine, and I personally don’t think you should have to change it. But Captain Beatdown prefers for us to have names that are representative of our abilities. For instance, he goes by that name because he… well… beats villains down. Temptress here can get into their minds and entrance them.
(winks at HEROINE)
I call myself Turbo-Man because I’m the fastest man alive.
Which is not as attractive as he thinks it is.
And what about the Bard? What’s his ability?
I remain a mystery to most
My mastery is over time
As history reveals her ghosts
I use their aid in fighting crime
What he means is that he has the ability to summon ghosts from the past. That’s why he calls himself the Bard; it’s a Shakespearean thing. Macbeth and all that. A bit cheesy if you ask me, but—
Forgive me, my dear, for the sin
Of not possessing thy allure
But I can’t, I fear, ever win
If you keep dressing like a whore.
(TEMPTRESS flips THE BARD the bird.)
Okay, that’s enough of that. It does get old, Bard. Anyway, we need to think of a new name for Cocaine here.
Of course it is. Well, let’s look at your abilities…
(peruses her résumé)
Hmm… Powerpoint… multitasking…forensic pathology… here we are: superhuman strength and agility. Not bad; I’ve got those powers too! Maybe you can change your name to Beatdown Girl or something.
Um… I’d rather not, thanks. In my opinion, my name is related to what I do: I’m a hero, first and foremost. I’ve saved lots of lives, and I’m proud of my accomplishments. My name reflects that pride.
(CAPTAIN BEATDOWN frowns and jots something down.)
Okay, well we can come back to the name thing later. So tell us why you chose to apply to the League of Greatness.
Well, I’m from Gainesville, and I’ve always heard that the League of Greatness was the place to go if you want to move up in the Florida superhero community.
You’re from Gainesville? They were on the top ten list of U.S. cities with the most improved crime rate over the past five years. Very impressive. Captain, I think she’d be a real asset to the team. She’s not only hot; she’s capable too.
Thanks, but I didn’t work Gainesville alone. I had a lotta help from Moonshine Man and the Gator Crusader. But now that we’ve cleaned up that town, I think those two can handle it by themselves. I’m ready to move up to the big leagues.
Well, you’re right about this being the big leagues. We don’t just catch bank robbers and bust up meth labs. We battle real world-class supervillains, the likes of Dr. Overkill, Robot Christopher Columbus, Professor Hitler von Satan, and Rupert Murdoch. Are you prepared for enemies of that caliber?
Definitely. I did single-handedly bring down the Human Skunk.
Yeah, but he was a second-rater at best. I don’t see any truly impressive villains on your résumé. You still seem pretty small-time to me.
I can hold my own against any villain that you can. I am not small-time!
The lady doth protest too much;
With wind to wing, and taking flight
Ambition lifts her in its clutch
To drop her from a higher height.
Give it a rest already, Bard. Heroine has great credentials; there’s no reason to think she couldn’t handle high-level combat.
(picks up copy of HEROINE’s application)
In fact, it says right here that she already has an archenemy.
Yes, my nemesis in Gainesville is Immovable Man.
I see. Well, we try not to separate heroes from their archenemies. Do you know if he’d be willing to relocate?
I doubt it. He’s immovable.
(Frowning and writing something on his notepad.)
I see. Okay, next issue: we’d have to do something about your outfit.
What’s wrong with my outfit?
It’s not quite… sensual enough. You’d need to shorten that skirt a bit and show more cleavage.
Now that I agree with.
Of course you do, Pervo-Man.
You know you love it, babe.
Wait… why do I need a skimpy outfit to fight crime? I’ve done just fine without it until now.
Maybe so, but when you move up to the big leagues it’s about more than just fighting crime. Cleaning up the streets and saving the world are all well and good, but they’re nothing without marketing. Do you have any idea how high the rent is on the Hall of Greatness? We need endorsement deals, and sex sells. That’s why Temptress has the best-selling action figures and Halloween costumes.
But the Bard just accused her of dressing like a whore!
That’s just their normal back-and-forth. Besides, I think the Bard…
(lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper)
…prefers the company of men, if you know what I mean.
What!? He’s lying!
Ah, now he forgets to rhyme.
Well, this is all very amusing, but I take being a hero very seriously. I’m not going to dress like a prostitute just to help move merchandise. Um… no offense, Temptress.
Well, I have to be honest with you, Crystal Meth; I don’t think you’re a good fit for our organization. Unless you’re interested in administrative work; I am thinking of replacing Secretary Girl.
Must you always be so insulting. Her name isn’t even Secretary Girl; it’s Susan.
Sorry, Heroine. As you can see women still don’t get the respect we deserve in the superhero community. But I like your tenacity and I vote to accept you as a member of the team.
In judging you, I will be just
And paraphrase what Shakespeare knew
That, upon some, Greatness is thrust
But not upon those such as you.
The jackass means he votes no. But don’t worry, sweetie, I’ve got your back. And I think Temptress has ways to convince the good Captain here to change his –
You know what? Forget it! I thought you guys were serious about fighting crime, but you’re just a big joke!
(looks at CAPTAIN BEATDOWN)
You’re a moronic pompous asshole who only cares about image and profit.
(looks at TURBO-MAN)
You’re a sexist pig! How can the fastest man alive still be stuck in the 18th century?
(looks at TEMPTRESS)
You seem nice enough, but your only power is to attract bad guys. No offense, but I’ve been doing that since I was thirteen.
(smiles and flips hair)
Again, no offense taken.
(looks at BARD)
And you… first of all you’re so flaming I’m surprised your cape doesn’t catch fire. Second, that rhyme thing? Ridiculous. And even your power sucks! Summoning ghosts? How does that help anyone? You’re a joke! You’re all a bunch of jokes!
(HEROINE turns around and storms out of the room. There is a moment of stunned silence. Then THE BARD speaks.)
Take heed my friends, and understand
The lesson to be learned this day
Let everyone throughout the land
Behold the truth: I am not gay!
The fellow doth protest too much, methinks…